Relinquish

Now i remember why i started this blog. Not to post pictures or to quote famous writers, but to start my own journal.
I'd like to say first off that i'm not groteque. And anybody or anyone that ignores me should know that. I don't really even know how to phrase the state i'm in. I'd like to think i'm an appreciated artist, one that doesn't care about others thoughts on her performance or the general view of her in reality. I was wrong. I love my craft, but at certain times i think that maybe it's not worth it. Maybe i'm not worth it.

I left a companion behind when i moved across country. One who i thought would stay with me through the bad times, when times got boring or be excited when times were good. I've learned that throughout these 2 years, that no matter who it is, they will not be there for you as much as you are there for yourself. When you sleep at night you are the only person available to think to, or to dream to. The thought that i'm alone in this game is scary. That i've depended on other people to make me happy or to hold me up.

I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel as if i am gliding through time. I used to care so much about the future and now all i think about is the past, and how good things used to be. It's amazing how much impact people have on you.

I'm speaking at baccaloureate and can't think of a single thing to talk about. When i used to get cards for peoples birthday i could fill them to the brim using every word in my brain to configure a letter that would let them know exactly what i'm feeling. Now, i can't think about anything. i take math tests only to think about how much has gone in one ear and out the other. What's important anymore? What's memorable anymore? If that one person has moved on, if that one person is thinking about someone else- How do YOU move on? How do YOU think about someone else? I've fallen short with men in the past couple of years, only to find myself questioning WHY. I'm not a perfect person by any means, but i have such a big heart that i'd like to share with someone else. I need someone to want me. That "companion" i once had can only share with me how much he loves her. If all his love was wasted on her, then who the hell was i?

I'm beginning to wonder; If you don't love the person, why bother?

I spent endless nights wondering about what he's doing, configuring my precious life around his when in the end, it meant nothing. Sure, it meant i was a better friend to him than anyone else, but where does that get me? When do i get a friend whose selfishness will always reign over my issues and my life.

I think that in the end, You are the only constant in your life. You can listen to other peoples issues but never take them in, for they will haunt you forever. You'll soon forget the times YOU had and the moments you shared, when you let someone else's life become yours.